too personal for the interweb really

but who gives a fuck? because no one reads this.

It is always like this when life is in shambles that things start to seem really real. The rest of the time I’m floating through this sort of haze that is every person’s life: of work, of school, of bars, of sitting in front of the computer, of pissing and shitting and sleeping and eating. And then I quit my job and sleep with a girl that I can’t stop thinking about and every time I think about her sparks shoot through me. And on the 22nd day of August I go out and get wasted as usual and meet some interesting people and then feel sad the next day because I was the only one who didn’t hook up with anyone. Well not the only one in the world. But it sort of felt that way. And I know, I know it’s probably just all the drinking that makes me feel achey in the chest and that girl, as much as I can’t wait to fuck her again isn’t going to give me that love thing that we are all searching for and I’m judging my roommate for being unable to be honest about her feelings, but what the fuck are my feelings? They are just as elusive and transitory as hers. I am also jealous and unwilling to admit it. I am also lonely and insecure and longing for someone to want me. I am also seeking adventures to boast about and relive under the covers in the afternoon with my fan blowing the smell of fried chicken into the room. I am also in love and not in love and infatuated and completely unaffected. My horoscope says I have the power to create with my words but I can’t even think of what it is that I would create. I mean what words? What would I create? A perfect girl for me? Can I really forge her out of times new roman text 12 pt. text? How could I presume to create a person? Would I make her like all the same music and books as me and if she didn’t, how could I create her interests outside of mine? Would her diminutive stature just be a reflection of my two most recent fucks or I am really extraordinarily attracted to short girls? Or is it only their small hands? And if I met the girl that I created, would I tell her, “I created you!”? That would be weird.

okay that's it for now.
blam