goodbye

it's even tattoed on my wrist dearest patients,
and yet still i have problems embracing it. i want to be able to appreciate the bittersweetness of it with at least a modicum of acceptance. but i am bratty and want what i want. and i can't stop listening to the arcade fire ep. it is too good. too bittersweet. almost done with crime and punishment. and i can't quite wrap my brain around dostoyevsky. he is a strict moralist. but i keep wanting to find the ways in which he doesn't live by the extremes he argues for. probably in the same way that i am always judging myself for judging. and also just judging. generally. and i just take issue with so much of it but at the same time i agree with some. and i am just compelled by some of it. like this notion of the nobility of suffering. but he thinks we should suffer because christ suffered and that is certainly not my line. and he argues against so many things that i believe in like social liberalism. certainly crime would exist without poverty and certainly many poverty stricken people are not criminals but i still believe that the imposition of poverty on people does cause a lot of crime. poverty is demoralizing. but so is being really rich i think. ach. there's so much to mull over. life also. not just dostoyevsky. today i was so depleted of happy chemicals (probably from lack of sleep and excessive drinking)((okay and also i hated to say goodbye)) that i thought about quitting my job and new york felt suffocating and i thought generally about giving up, whatever that means. i guess it means i felt like my ambition was a farce and that i might as well wade around in the mire of human relationships and give up all other aspirations. because i feel like i'm not getting anywhere with them. but dr. storm made me laugh and dr. jean made me smile and dr. plonk soothed me and i ate and that always makes me feel better. plus coffee of course. and a good end of the day conversation with specialist azios. and i even danced a little in my empty apartment when i got home. which leads me to the talking heads. always back to that song. it could mean something. i'm too tired to make anymore sense of any of it tonight. but goodbye for now. this moment is over but there will be other moments. lots of them.
the doc