revelations and people with no class

dear beloved ill ones,
i am in a slightly manic state. probably from wanking off like 3 times today and that was really about it from 8 am to 4 pm. and also from then my heady flight into the city, buying equipment and accoutrements, lugging them around and to a staff meeting where a couple of people were just fucking ridiculous. and i know sometimes people think i'm ridiculous but gimme a fuckin break. but more on that in a sec. then i whirlwinded home, am probably getting ditched by most recent nurse crush and i smell like pee and i'm wearing a sweatshirt with a kitten named marshmallow on it. two sips of my sierra nevada, a cigarette lit and a little of the most recent mogwai playing and i just had to sit down and write you guys some shit. hold on. i'm gonna call the nurse one last time. okay. yeah. no answer. fucking figures. well bully for me, i get to see her tomorrow and try not to act like a hurt kid. anyhow back to the stupid people in the meeting.
"i asked for this and this is not this."
"how is it not that?"
"tell me how is it that?"
"well how do you define that?"
and on and on ad naseum. my precious hourly rate was really getting used up. and i finally said it was ridiculous and then they said "how is it ridiculous?" "can you define ridiculous?" and slumped in my chair a defeated muppet. plus they were both being so confrontational about essentially nothing and it was AWKWARD as Specialist Straussnpepper would say. The new hospital just isn't as great this year as it has been. poor choices of rounds on my part i suppose.

okay and on to revelations. sometime after 3rd wank, around the time i was getting in the shower, i realized a stupid cliche of a thing. that you have to risk something (usually failure) to get where or what you want. and that i usually don't. that i'm real good at playing the middle ground and hedging my bets and taking the safest road and never being vulnerable. and it's time it stopped. things are gonna change. oh are they. this involves all aspects of my life but especially:
the ank
my portly figure
nurses
smoking
anyhow it doesn't sound like much, but it feels really important. importantly important. full of portent.
thanks for listening.
if anyone's listening.
blam